Intimacy & Relationships

Intimacy | Relationships

Seven Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good Relationship:

Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
Let one another know what your needs are.
Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside the relationship.
Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.
Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences that you see between your ideal and the reality.
Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that you must agree with one another, but rather that you can expect yourself and your partner to understand and respect your differences, your points of view and your separate needs.
Where critical differences exist in your expectations, needs, opinions or views, try to negotiate.

What is a healthy relationship?

In healthy relationships, you and your friend or the person you are dating feel good about each other and yourselves. You do activities together, like going to movies or out with other friends, and you talk to one another about how you are feeling about each other. These relationships can last a few weeks, a few months, or even many years. Healthy relationships are fun for both people!

In healthy relationships, there is respect and honesty between both people. This means that you listen to each other's thoughts and opinions and accept each other's right to say no or to change your mind without giving each other a hard time. Communication is also important in healthy relationships. You should be able to let the other person know how you are feeling. You might disagree or argue sometimes, but in healthy relationships you should be able to talk things out together to reach a compromise that works for both of you.

What are risky or unhealthy relationships?

In a risky or unhealthy relationship, you usually feel the exact opposite of how you feel when you're in a "healthy relationship." You and your friend do not usually feel good about each other and yourselves. Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive but sometimes they can include violence or abuse - verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual. This can involve both people being violent or abusive toward each other or can involve only one person doing this to the other. Many times, a relationship is not unhealthy in the very beginning, but over time abusive behavior might show. You may feel afraid or pressured to do something that you don't want to do. If you have a feeling that your relationship is unhealthy, you are probably right!

My friend gets mad if I hang out with other people, what should I do?

Be honest and stick to your decision. Tell your friend you like spending time with him or her but that you also want to spend time with other friends and family. Whether you are in a close friendship or a dating relationship, it is important for both of you to stay involved with the activities and interests you enjoyed before you became close. In a healthy relationship, you both need time to hang out with other friends as well as time for yourselves.

What are the signs that I am in an abusive or unhealthy relationship?

There are many signs that you could be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Take a look at this list of "warning signs" and see if these statements describe your relationship:

Your friend or the person you are going out with:

is jealous or possessive of you - he or she gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or people of the opposite sex
bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do
tells you what to wear, who to talk to, where you can go
is violent to other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper a lot
pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to do
uses drugs and alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing
swears at you or uses mean language
blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you
insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
has physically hurt you
makes you feel scared of their reactions to things
calls to check up on you all the time and wants to always know where you are going and who you are with

These are just a few of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Sometimes there are only one or two "warning signs" and sometimes there are many. If any of these statements are true for your relationship, you should speak to a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher, doctor, nurse, or counselor right away!

What is abuse?

An abusive relationship may include any of the signs listed above. Some teens and adults think that their relationship isn't abusive unless there is physical fighting. But did you know that there are other types of abuse? Below is a list of different types of abuse which can affect your friendships or dating relationships:

Physical Abuse - is when a person touches your body in an unwanted or violent way. This may include hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, pulling hair, pushing, biting, choking, or using a weapon on you. The weapon could be a gun or knife but also includes anything that can hurt you like a shoe or a stick.
Verbal/Emotional Abuse - is when a person says something or does something that makes you afraid or feel bad about yourself. This may include: yelling, name-calling, saying mean things about your family and friends, embarrassing you on purpose, telling you what you can and can't do, or threatening to hurt you or hurt them. Blaming you for their problems, or verbally pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol, or keeping you from spending time with your friends and family are all abuse.
Sexual Abuse - is any sexual contact that you do not want. You may have said no or may be unable to say no because the abuser has threatened you or prevented you from saying no. This may include forcing you to have sex or unwanted touching or kissing.

Why are some people violent?

There are many reasons why a person could be violent or abusive to their friend or person they are dating. For example, a person who has grown up in a violent family may have learned that violence like hitting or verbal control was the way to solve a problem (which it is not!). They may be violent because they want to control the relationship or because they feel bad about themselves and think they will feel better if they make someone else feel worse. Others may get pressured by their friends to prove how strong they are. Sometimes people have trouble controlling their anger.

Drugs and alcohol can also play a part in abusive behavior. There are some people who lose control and act abusively after they have been drinking or taking drugs. But this is no excuse! Just because someone is under the influence of drugs and alcohol or has a bad temper does not mean that their abusive behavior is okay.

No matter why a person is violent physically, verbally/emotionally, or sexually, it is important for you to know that it is not your fault!
You are NOT the reason for the violence.
Violence is NEVER okay!

Why do some people stay in unhealthy or violent relationships?

If abusive or unhealthy relationships are so bad, then why do some people stay in them? Why don't they just stop spending time with their friend or break up with the person and stop seeing them? Sometimes it may be hard to get out of an abusive relationship. This is because violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may apologize and promise never to hurt you again, and even say that they will work on the relationship. It may be a while before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs can make it hard to leave a relationship.

It's hard to leave someone you care about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone without that person. You may be afraid that no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if you tell someone. Whatever the reasons, leaving an unhealthy relationship is hard but something you must do. Youll need help to do it.

Why should I leave?

Abusive relationships are very unhealthy for you. You can have trouble sleeping or have headaches or stomach aches. You might feel depressed, sad, anxious or nervous, and you may even lose or gain weight. You may also blame yourself, feel guilty, and have trouble trusting other people in your life. Staying in an abusive relationship can hurt your self-confidence and make it hard for you to believe in yourself. If you are being physically abused, you can be the victim of injuries that could cause permanent damage. You should definitely leave the relationship if you are getting hurt, if you have bruises or pain, or if you are being threatened with physical harm in any way.

Remember that the most important reason to leave an unhealthy relationship is because you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fun.

How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?

First, if you think that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to a parent, friend, counselor, doctor, teacher, coach or other trusted person about your relationship. Tell them why you think the relationship is unhealthy and exactly what the other person has done (hit, pressured you to have sex, tried to control you). You may want to look back at the list of "warning signs" to help you to explain the situation to an adult. If necessary, this trusted adult can help you contact your parents, counselors, school security, or even the police about the violence. With help, you can get out of an unhealthy relationship.

Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous so it is very important for you to make a Safety Plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan. Here are some tips on making Your Safety Plan:

Tell a trusted adult like a parent, counselor, doctor, teacher or spiritual leader.
Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or her or break up with this person over the phone so they cannot touch you. Do this when your parents or guardians are at home so you know you will be safe in your house.
Go to your doctor or hospital for treatment if you have been injured.
Keep track of any violence. A diary is a good way to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (bruises, for example). This will be important if you need the police to issue a restraining order against the person.
Avoid contact with the person.
Spend time with your other friends and walk with them and not by yourself.
Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency like a police station or even a public place like a restaurant or mall.
Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. Use code words. You should decide on the code words ahead of time with your family so that they will know that your signal means that you can't talk easily and you need help.
Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you.
Keep domestic violence hot-line numbers in your wallet or another secure place, or program them into your cell phone.

What else do I need to know?

Abuse is a problem that some people experience in their relationships.
At least 1 in 10 young women experience physical violence in their relationships. Even if you have not experienced physical, sexual, or verbal and emotional abuse, one of your friends may be in an unhealthy relationship with another friend or dating partner. If you are in an unhealthy relationship or if your friend is, it is important that you get help right away before someone gets hurt! Relationships are an important part of life and are supposed to be fun and special!

Who can I call for help?

Here are some toll-free hotlines you can call:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

When Its Over

You didnt see it coming...the realization thats "its over"...and it hurts!

No one could have prepared you for the blow of losing the connection with another human being. Whether you decided to end the relationship or it was ended for you by a break up or death, you may experience symptoms of grief and periodic despair. It is not easy finding a path to true intimacy and then severing that bond with minimal impact. The foundation of love is sharing, trust, and intimacy. Inherent in that bond is a willingness to be vulnerable. Intimate vulnerability allows your thoughts and emotions to be expressed in the context of shared experience. When circumstances no longer provide a trusting environment for a bonding love, the separation can feel devastating.

In many cases, the partner is also the best friend. Coping with relationship loss can be particularly difficult if the couple has relied on each other as best friends. By having limited options to confide in, the newly single person may feel isolated, lonely, and frustrated.

It took work to develop a bond between two people. With that bond being severed, it will take time to rebuild. If you find yourself watching the telephone in hopes of getting a call or listening to romantic songs as you reminisce about your ex and the way it could have been, you may be holding on and need to incorporate some strategies for transitioning to your new life of independence.

Coping with the Loss

It is important to make time for the healing process. Too often, we are encouraged to be strong and keep it all inside. This method only serves to keep the former loved one on your mind and you frustrated. There needs to be a grieving period. Whether you care to admit it or not, that person did mean a great deal to you at one time. You honor the love that you shared by validating the relationship as a worthwhile experience.

Engage in self-help practices. Some people benefit from reading self-help books. Others enjoy creative writing as a means of healing and expression. Find a way that complements your personality and do it! Whether its reading, writing, or singing, expressing your feelings is a great way to learn about yourself and your current needs.

Realize that you might not be functioning at your best right now. Give yourself some space to be without pressure or high demands. Efforts to organize the more routine activities of your life may be helpful to streamlining your energy expenditure. Do the activities that you need to and leave your remaining time for nurturing, self-discovery, and healing

Mobilize your support system. Spending time with affirming friends is essential at this time. In addition to venting your emotions as you sort through your next step in life, you can share the relationships shortcomings. If this was an addictive relationship, your friends can help you avoid an unhealthy reconciliation by providing true accounts of the circumstances.

Use this time for self-renewal. When you are involved in a relationship, the other person receives your attention and focus. Being single offers you the opportunity to redirect that attention to yourself. Connect with areas of your life that have been neglected as a result of the relationship. Recharge your body through exercise. Reflect on your spiritual awareness and life journey. Replenish by engaging with nature. Renew your commitment to yourself to be the best person possible.

Spend some time each day on something pleasurable. It is important to enjoy key aspects of your life while other components are mending.

Highlight the reasons that the relationship was less than perfect. During times when loneliness sets in and the reason why the relationship ended may not be so clear, it may be helpful to review your thoughts from a more focused period.

Most research indicates that it takes about half the time the relationship existed in order to heal from the pain. Even then, many carry a portion of the painful memories for longer periods of time. Time does help ease the discomfort of relationship loss. However, it usually takes a while to feel better. Remembering the suggestions above may help as you patiently discover the relationship with yourself again.

During your college years, you will have relationships with a lot of people. Most of the time, these relationships are fun, exciting, and healthy, and they make us feel good about ourselves. Sometimes, however, these relationships can be unhealthy and can be harmful to you or other people involved. Unhealthy relationships can be risky because someone can get hurt physically or emotionally. This information guide was created to help you to understand the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship and to learn ways to change a bad situation.

Relationships Websites

College Relationships: How to Have a Good Conversation: http://www.iamnext.com/people/conversation.html
College Relationships: Surviving Your Roommate: http://www.iamnext.com/people/roomlearn.html
University of Oregon Counseling Center: Relationships: http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~counsel/relationships.htm
Boston College, University Health Center: Healthy Relationships: http://www.bc.edu/offices/uhs/education/relationships/
Long Distance Relationships: http://campus.umr.edu/counsel/selfhelp/vpl/ distancerelationships.html
Understanding Unhealthy Relationships: http://www.iona.edu/studentlife/counsel/guide/ unhealthyRelationships.cfm
College Relationships: Dealing with Negative People: http://www.iamnext.com/people/garbage.html